Embracing the Empty Nest: Lessons Learned from 31 Years of Parenting
Christmas 2001
In April 1993 our world was rocked in the best of ways. We got married at 23 years old, and three years later were bringing home our first baby from the hospital.
After 31 years of parenting, we are finally empty-nesters. It's hard to believe, but we no longer have any "children" living in our home. As we transition into this new phase, a mix of emotions accompanies us – excitement for the newfound freedom, nostalgia for the vibrant, noisy household days, and even a bit of relief that we've made it this far. With a new season comes some reflections on what we've learned over the past three decades. Here are some thoughts that might resonate with you if you are still in the thick of parenting:
It Takes a Village--Embrace the Village. In 1996, about the time we were beginning our parenting journey, Hillary Clinton gave a speech at the Democratic National Convention. She said "it takes a village" to raise a child. People on the other side of the aisle went nuts. They thought she was advocating for the government to have more influence on children than parents. Maybe she was, I have no idea. But the heart of her message is true. Parenting is hard and exhausting and it takes parents and teachers and neighbors and grandparents and aunts and uncles to provide love and care and structure to give your kids the best possibility of thriving. There will be seasons when the greatest influence in your child's life is not you--it's a coach or youth pastor or another parent. Don't be concerned with where the good influences are coming in their life--just embrace them and be grateful for the positive messages surrounding your kids.
Environments Matter More Than You Think. Because it takes a village, be very strategic and intentional about the environments that shape your kids. I wrote about this more than ten years ago when we still had a house full of teens. It's up to you to get your kids exposed to and involved in the environments where they will be surrounded by positive influences. This especially matters before high school, and before they can drive, as your ability to steer them may diminish in the later teen years.
Ignore 90% of the "Just Wait" Crowd. If I had a nickel for everytime an older parent stopped us with little kids and said, "Just wait until your babies are terrorizing you as toddlers" or "Just wait until you have to start paying for college" or "Just wait until they wreck one of your cars" -- I'd be rich! It seems like some veteran parents believe it is their purpose in life to cast a dark shadow on the experiences and years ahead. Ignore those people! Stop spending time with them if you can. On the other hand, surround yourself with veteran parents who talk about the joys of parenting that lie ahead: "There's nothing better than seeing your toddlers experience nature for the first time..." or "You are going to love raising teens..." Those are the voices you want around you.
If You Can Make "Someday" Happen Now, Make it Happen...Because "Someday" May Not Come. I remember my good friend Mark Beeson teaching me this lesson. I was dreaming about a future vacation where we'd take the kids to the west coast, tour national parks, and let them see the country. He said, "Why someday? Why not do it this summer?" I gave a hundred reasons why now wasn't a good time. Mark said, "You have no guarantee of the future. If you can do it now, do it now." I'm so glad for that advice. And we followed it again and again as we were raising the kids. By the way, the 7,000 mile trip that summer in a minivan from Indiana to Seattle to Southern California and back was epic, and the most-cherished trip the kids still talk about to this day.
Listen to Your Kids. Learn From Your Kids. When kids are little and just learning, we do a lot of correcting and teaching. That color is blue, not green. Two plus two equals four, not eight. That is a rabbit not a bear. There comes a point when your kids begin to stretch your thinking. They begin to blaze their own trails of learning. They will challenge you as they begin to contemplate what they believe about the world, politics, faith, capitalism, caring for the environment, justice, human sexuality, fashion, music, gender identity and more. As they become young adults, they will probably think very differently than you on certain topics. If you want to have a healthy relationship for the long haul, don't tell them they are wrong or uninformed. You'll shut yourself out of their learning and strain the relationship. When they come to believe something that is very different than how you raised them, don't take it personally. Ask lots of questions and keep the dialogue going! You may have something you can learn from them, and by modeling an open-minded, respectful conversation style--they will still be learning from you as well.
This Too Shall Pass. But Also, This Too Shall Pass. Parenting may be the most difficult task on the planet. It's never-ending, physically exhausting, mentally taxing, and often comes without any thanks or appreciation. There's sickness and diapers and tantrums and emotions and that all seem never-ending. And these kids are SO expensive (I just completed sending money to colleges for 16-years of tuition!). Just remember, this too shall pass. In a flash, you will find yourself coming home after work to a quiet house, your garage will be clean for once, you will no longer be doing laundry four times a day, and your days as a bus driver hauling the kids here and there and everywhere will be over. But also, the laughter and hugs and parties and sports activities and playing dolls and building sandcastles and celebrating graduations and building memories a hundred different ways every day -- all of that will also be in the rearview mirror.
Enjoy the ride, embrace the hard, and cherish the moments. It is worth it!