The Hidden Impact of Compliments: Why Adjectives Could Be Doing More Harm Than Good

Choose your words carefully. A phrase that is intended to come across as a compliment can diminish the person it was intended to encourage. 

"One or our most gifted female leaders is Jill..."

"Curtis is the most talented black leader I've ever worked with..."

Those are really kind things to say, but you must consider that what you mean may not be what is heard.

This past week I had the privilege of introducing Faith Schiller to a group of executive leaders. She led a discussion on the changing generations and the challenge to keep young people engaged in the church. It was such good teaching that kept these seasoned leaders attentive and asking questions.

When I introduced Faith, I very intentionally said, "Faith is one of our most gifted leaders and pastors at Willow Creek."

I could have said,

"Faith is one of our most gifted young leaders..." or

"Faith is one of our most gifted female leaders..."

It is true, Faith is 27 years old (from my context, she is young). Is she female? Yes she is.

But the adjectives are not necessary. In fact, in adding an unnecessary descriptor (black, hispanic, young, old, female), you can unintentionally diminish the person you are trying to build up. The more adjectives you use in a compliment, especially those that focus on their demographic characteristics, the less impact your words will have.

Saying, "Curtis is the most talented black leader I've every worked with" could be heard as, "For a black guy, Curtis is talented." You didn't mean that. You weren't intentionally insinuating that Curtis doesn't stack up to leaders with a different ethnicity. But you included an unnecessary word to describe Curtis that did nothing to support your words about him.

When a young person is praised for their accomplishments with the qualifier "for someone so young," it suggests that their achievements are exceptional only because of their age. This can downplay their hard work and talent, making them feel like their accomplishments are not as significant as those of older individuals. Similarly, when a compliment is given to a black person (or any ethnicity) with the emphasis on their race, it can perpetuate the notion that their achievements are unexpected or unusual for someone of their racial background.

Using adjectives like 'female' to describe someone's accomplishments can unintentionally suggest that their gender is a limiting factor that they have overcome. This can reinforce gender stereotypes and imply that women are inherently less capable or accomplished than men. By focusing on these demographic descriptors, the person's individual abilities, skills, and efforts are overshadowed, leading to a diminished sense of recognition and value.

Last week I had the opportunity to sit with a good friend. She is in her mid-30's and a senior vice president of a fast-growth software company. She was recounting how someone said she is such “a gifted, young, female leader.”

I said, "No, Holly. You are a super-gifted leader. Period. It has nothing to do with being young or being a woman. You are accomplished and talented, and your unique contribution makes the people and organizations around you better."

Consider who you can celebrate in front of others. And then remove all the unnecessary adjectives.

This takes practice...start today.