Last August when I left the team at Willow Creek, I had a really great experience. My senior pastor was super supportive, the team was kind, and I have felt very honored. Willow is still our church, and the staff our friends.

However, that is not normal. More often than not, I hear of church staff being cast out as soon as they indicate they are leaving the team. Emotions are high, things get said, and relationships become strained or even broken. It is sad. 

Here is a typical cycle…

1. John, a leader at First Church, has served faithfully for a number of years.

2. He decides he wants to do something else, and might even say, “God is calling me to do something else.”

3. The pastors and leaders get their feelings hurt that he is leaving. It feels like, “John doesn’t want to play on our team any more. He took his ball and his bat, and now he’s going to play on a different team.” It feels very personal.

4. Emotions run very high. Words get said. Insinuations are made. People are reactive. Focus goes toward what John doesn’t like or why John isn’t staying.

5. Others in the church take sides. “Yeah, we agree with John!”

6. All the right words are said publicly, but in the hallways of the church office, a cloud has developed over John’s departure. Some of John’s work over the years begins to be discounted. His motives are questioned. History begins to be rewritten.

7. John leaves feeling like he got kicked in the gut. He was trying to do the right thing but feels like he’s abandoning the people he loves and damaging relationships he cherishes.

8. The remaining leaders feel like they got kicked in the gut. Their associate for so many years is going off to do something else and is beginning to talk about how excited he is about what is next. It stings.

9. For months, every time John’s name is brought up, there is a tinge of pain and discomfort. John's social media posts are hard to view as it looks like he likes his new place more than your place. 

10. John leaves feeling like he not only walked away from a ministry where he gave a part of his life—but he also lost some dear friends.

Ugh. Why does it have to be this way?

The truth is, it doesn’t. But the alternative takes really hard work.  Here are a few quick thoughts:

To the church…

• It’s okay to be sad. You will be emotional, but rise above it when you are making decisions.

• Allow others to be emotional as well. Give your key stakeholders and closest teams space to absorb the change.

• Don't diminish their body of work in order to convince others you aren't a bad leader. Leave your ego out of the room.

• Err on the side of grace. Even though you are sad they are leaving, do everything you can to bless them.

• Focus on the years they have served at the church—not the days or weeks after they said they are leaving.

To the Person leaving…

• You will be remembered more by how you left than by what you did during your years on the team.

• Don’t convince yourself you are more righteous than the people you are leaving.

• Be humble and gracious. Say “thank you” in every conversation.

• Don’t try to fix the church in your closing conversations. If you couldn’t fix what bugged you about the church as a staff member, you are definitely not going to be able to fix it on your way out.

I've been on both sides. I've watched friends walk away--friends who I loved and never imagined not working with--and man it hurts. I've experienced the group-think that emerges among those who remain to try to justify why this person decided to leave--and inevitably it is slanted with a negative narrative. 

I've also been the person who left, and have heard reports of the things that were said in the hallways about me that were neither accurate nor fair. I've felt the almost immediate relational chasm and darkness and disconnect that starts the next day. 

Come on Church. We can do better. We can view  our missional work as bigger than our local church. We can accept that everyone is an interim, and treat departures as a launch rather than a failure. We can spend every day developing our staff to become followers of Jesus who pursue their mission in the world, wherever that may be, instead of guarding them like possessions who are only valuable to us as long as they are building our thing. 

These situations are going to be messy. A “good leave” is not defined by lack of mess. It is defined by how both sides respond to the mess and work through it with love and grace.